Organize More

A reader (we will call her Chris) wrote to tell me that she hasn't invited anyone into her apartment for over two years because she is ashamed of the mess.

Chris sent me some pictures (this pic is not one of her pics)... it really is a mess.  I believe she has a problem with chronic disorganizatiion and the beginning of a hoarding problem.  We all know people who live in a mess.  Some of us are people who live in messes.  Some of us are reformed clutterers.

I'm not going to get into mess and clutter and how to clean it up here -- there are hundreds of articles on this website with instructions and encouragement for doing just that. What I am going to addresss is the "shame" involved in these problems.

Shame is never good or productive. Many people mistakenly believe that when "how we live" becomes something that we are ashamed of, the shame will motivate us to make different and "better decisions". Somehow the shame will motivate the cleaning of the mess.  People... believe me when I tell you that it doesn't work that way.

What is true is just the opposite.  Mess begets shame. Shame begets more mess and less self-respect. Less self-respect increases shame and guilt. Guilt causes people to want to hide the mess and bury the shame. The outcome is that they feel really really awful and don't invite people into their lives. There are very few real friendships and relationships. No one knows that there is an issue or problem. If no one knows, they can't help. They person with the clutter problem bares the brunt of all of this alone, afraid to let anyone in. It is a lonely and isolated way to live.

A life of mess and clutter, and the shame that accompanies it, doesn't "clean up" in a weekend.  There is no magic answer.  Merry Maids can't sweep it all away for you.  The mess will always be with us until the shame is dealt with.

Many times, hoarding behaviors and chronic disorganization stem from some trauma in life that has never been shared or worked through.  There are cases where people, until they got help, had no idea that they had been traumatized. We all have behaviors today that stem from things in our past (mine revolve around food). Chronic disorganization is the same... it comes from something else. The something else is what really needs to be dealt with.

My suggestion for Chris has two components.  Both need to happen at the same time:

1) Engage the services of an organizer who specializes in working with people who hoard and/or are chronically disorganized (I sent Chris a list of folks in her area who might be able to help) and

2) find someone to talk to about what may be the root cause of the mess... a therapist, a minister, a local support group, an old trusted friend.  By slowly working on the mess (outside) and the causes (inside), she will start to dig out and be able to live a life that is happier and filled with loving relationships.

Remember to shop around when looking to pay for any service (organizing, roofing, therapy, coaching, plumbing, etc.).  Find a good fit for your comfort level and your wallet.

I suspect that there is a long overdue dinner party under all of Chris' mess -- just waiting to happen.

What is keeping you buried?  If you can't identify the problem, look outside yourself for a little  help.  E-coaching could be a good starting point.

Coaching is not therapy, but it is a way to get some help without having to fully commit to someone being in your space and in your life at unwanted moments.  You decide when. You work at your own pace.

If this post speaks to you, please leave a comment.  Let me know if I can help.